I’m at the age when birthdays have ceased being a big deal. I appreciate presents, I guess, but they’d probably mean more on a random day when I’m not expecting them.

I have no desire to celebrate with a party because I’m not all that comfortable being the center of attention. Besides, Patton Oswalt is correct when he insists people should only get 20 birthday parties during their lives.

My greatest birthday joy now comes from making up rules of conduct for Michele to follow during the designated birthday period. This year’s observation of my birthday stretches from seven days before until seven days following my actual birthday. Michele insisted birthday week only lasts seven days, but she’s wrong. Birthday week is not a typical week. It’s sort of like the baker’s dozen of weeks. Besides, it’s my week so I get to set the rules. How dare she question me during birthday week.

Following are a few of this year’s rules:

1. At some point during birthday week, I shall arrive home from work to find the house adorned with a birthday wreath. Wreaths don’t get the respect they are due as a decoration. They’ve been confined to Christmas and funerals, but why? Think of the joy a wreath could add to Easter, Independence Day, Arbor Day or any other time of celebration. Most of all, think of the joy a wreath could add to birthday week.
2. Making fun of me, picking on me or purposely irritating me are strictly prohibited during birthday week. It’s my special time. Show me some respect.
3. Music I don’t enjoy can be played only on headphones during birthday week. This includes, but is not limited to, Morrissey, Train, all mellow hits of the 70s, and “Baker Street” by Gerry Rafferty.
4. At my discretion, birthday week and its rules may be applied through the end of birthday month, which began on Feb. 28 and ends on April 27.
5. Additional rules may be developed at any time during birthday week.