Most parents of young children fear missing their babies’ first steps and first words. Even though I am (happily) childless, I completely understand the desire to witness the landmark moments in a child’s life. Until last night, however, I could only imagine the pit of despair that comes when a proud parent misses such an event.

You see, I’m one of those people who bestows child status on his pets. My dogs, Otis and Zoe, don’t have full rights—we strictly enforce a 10 p.m. curfew—but they’re largely doted upon like infants. So imagine my disappointment when Michele told me just before bed that I missed one of those once-in-a-lifetime, wish-I-had-video moments earlier in the day.

While cleaning the area beneath his tail nub, Otis audibly farted and then coughed. How could I have missed it? That moment may well be the funniest thing to ever happen within the walls of our 57-year-old home, and I wasn’t there. Ever since Michele broke the news to me, I keep replaying the scene in my head, imagining what it must have been like.

Here’s the sad part: If a parent misses his kid’s first word, he’ll probably get to hear a reasonable facsimile within a day or two. Within a couple months, he’ll wish the brat was a mute. But the chances of a repeat performance from Otis are miniscule. Sure, I’ll see him lick his ass plenty of times, and I have no doubts I’ll hear him fart within the next 24 hours. Unfortunately, I think I missed the one occasion when these two events are executed together and topped off with a cough for the canine comedy trifecta.

I missed it.

I can’t believe I missed it.