I give you the video for the song that gave me the title for this blog, featuring some fine dancing by Jeremy Piven (with way less hair than he has 15 years later).
Candy Corn Sucks
Last night, Michele and I got into a heated debate over the merits of candy corn. I proclaimed it one of the lowest forms of candy. Michele didn’t really disagree but defended it by insisting it can be mixed with peanuts and M&Ms to form a distant cousin of trail mix that tastes like a Salted Nut Roll. If you want something that tastes like a Salted Nut Roll, why not just buy a Salted Nut Roll? Candy corn be damned.
Anyway, this got me thinking about the worst common Halloween giveaways from my youth. People who have ever given away any of the following “treats” on Halloween should be banished to hell forever.
- Candy corn: See above.
- Pennies: If you’re one of those assholes who cleaned out his change jar every October by giving the neighborhood kids five pennies each, you’re a cheap motherfucker who deserved to have his house plastered with eggs.
- Fruit: Your good intentions of supporting healthy habits were wasted, hippie. I guarantee none of your tasty apples ever made it home before being discarded. Even though they’re packaged, raisins fall under this category. Nature’s candy, my ass.
- Anything homemade: Handing out something you took the time and effort to prepare may have been a quaint practice in the 1960s, but by the early ’80s even bad parents recognized the harm in letting their kids eat your potentially tainted cookies.
- Peanut Butter Chews: If you think no candy can taste worse than candy corn, put one of these chewy shit nuggets in your mouth. You’ll never want to trick-or-treat again.
Worst Blogger Ever
This has happened before. I start a blog, write for two weeks and then get bored. Fuck it. I’m just not a good blogger. I may still use this space when I feel the need to babble, but for now I can be found on Twitter.
She’ll Always Be Debbie To Me
Yesterday morning, we were treated to a rare viewing of “Lost in Your Eyes” on VH1 Classic. Michele suggested “Lost in Your Eyes” is Debbie Gibson’s best song. Although it is her most popular, I wasn’t so quick to accept this obvious choice. Instead, I retreated to my lab basement for a few hours of in-depth analysis. I decided to rank Debbie’s songs from best to worst.
Ground rules: no covers, no b-sides, no imports—only U.S. album tracks from the albums between Out of the Blue and Deborah. I didn’t include M.Y.O.B. simply because I had quit paying attention by that time and never got around to buying it.
With that, I give you the list (with comments for selected songs):
- No More Rhyme: The last Top 20 single for Debs, NMR beat out Lost in Your Eyes by a squeaker. Early in my analysis, it seemed as though the little-known Goodbye might rise to the top. However, it was not to be.
- Lost In Your Eyes: Despite it’s No. 2 slot on the list, Lost in Your Eyes remains a classic.
- Goodbye: Without question, Debbie’s ballads have always been better than her other songs. The final track on the Body Mind Soul album, Goodbye nearly pulled an upset, but ultimately fell to No. 3 on the list.
- Shake Your Love: Debbie’s poppiest song, Shake Your Love is also the best of her non-ballads. After hearing it, I just can’t shake the chorus—the sign of a great pop song.
- Let’s Run Away: The 1995 Think With Your Heart album had several strong ballads but none as strong as this track.
- Ode To A Would Be Lover: The top-placing track from Deborah, Ode To A Would Be Lover charts high despite it’s lame title.
- We Could Be Together: If I hadn’t excluded remixes from the competition, the Campfire Mix of this song would have likely cracked the Top 5.
- Between The Lines: Also the title of Debbie’s autobiography, Between the Lines also seemed like a stronger choice than Staying Together for the fifth single from the Out of the Blue album. Unfortunately, record labels are run by morons, so it remained an album track.
- Only In My Dreams: Any Debbie Gibson Top 10 without this song would be a sham.
- Out Of The Blue: Ditto.
- Foolish Beat: This is a controversial placing for Debbie’s first No. 1 single. I find it a tad overwrought.
- One Hand, One Heart: The No. 12-14 picks are the highest-placing songs from the Anything is Possible album. AIP suffered from being overproduced and far too long for its own good. Clocking in at nearly 80 minutes, the album was divided by two sides, NRG Up and Mood Swings. NRG Up pretty much sucks. Mood Swings contains all of the ballads and would have been a pretty solid album without the other eight tracks.
- Sure
- Try
- How Can This Be?: Getting dumped = good song.
- Dancin’ In My Mind: Have I mentioned that I really like the Think With Your Heart album? This ballad is another reason why.
- You Don’t Have To See: Much like better-known Debbie ballads No More Rhyme and Foolish Beat and despite being recorded in the mid-’90s, this song features that dependable staple of the ’80s—the sax solo.
- Who Loves Ya Baby?: The opening track from the Electric Youth album, Who Loves Ya Baby? is the highest ranking upbeat Debbie song never released as a single.
- Where I Wanna Be
- Should’ve Been The One
- Wake Up To Love
- Cry Tonight
- Helplessly In Love
- Can’t Do It Alone
- Didn’t Have The Heart
- Think With Your Heart
- Only Words
- Deep Down
- Staying Together
- Where Have You Been?
- Two Young Kids
- I Will Let You Go
- Just Wasn’t Love
- Over The Wall
- This So-Called Miracle: This song isn’t bad, but it’s more than seven minutes long. I guess this is Deb’s Freebird.
- Love in Disguise
- Red Hot
- Fallen Angel
- Losin’ Myself
- Shades of the Past
- Mood Swings
- Do You Have It In Your Heart?
- Another Brick Falls
- Naturally
- For Better or Worse
- Anything is Possible: Wondering which of Debbie’s songs has the worst production? With vocals alternating between channels early in the song, this one is the clear winner.
- Silence Speaks (A Thousand Words): The opening flute solo is enough to ruin an otherwise decent ballad.
- Tear Down These Walls
- In His Mind
- Free Me
- Love Or Money
- Kisses 4 One
- Give Me Your Love
- Electric Youth: This song was actually a hit. Wow.
- It Must’ve Been My Boy
- Play The Field
- Nobody’s You
- Dontcha Want Me Now?
- Stand Your Ground
- Negative Energy: The drum beat on this song sounds like it was produced on the Casio keyboard I had as a child.
- One Step Ahead: This is one of the dreaded Anything is Possible songs featuring Debbie rapping. Not a good idea.
- Lead Them Home My Dreams: Too much production for too little of a song.
- When I Say No: Debbie takes on date rape and teaches a generation of girls how to fend off advances from the quarterback.
- I Can’t: This song is just really dull.
- Shock Your Mama: Debbie’s mama was her manager. She should have been shocked at how bad this song was and pulled it from the album. Somehow it ended up as a single.
- Reverse Psychology: Whoever encouraged Debbie to rap on the Anything is Possible album should be severely punished.
- Moonchild: The title alone is enough to place Moonchild in the bottom five.
- Too Fancy: With sort of a cabaret vibe to it, this song is just too Broadway.
- Butterflies Are Free: Horrible title and horrible lyrics. Barely edged out for worst song by Little Birdie.
- Little Birdie: Despite a fairly decent chorus, every other part of this song is unlistenable.
First Impressions
I’m usually pretty good at quickly figuring out people. When meeting a new coworker, I can tell whether he will be decent to work with, unable to play well with others or simply annoying almost immediately. My first impression is nearly always on target. Apparently this talent doesn’t translate to dogs.
When we began looking for a new boxer, the first dog we met was Zoe. She was sweet and affectionate, but I didn’t immediately see her as my dog. Maybe it was her rough exterior. She was recovering from neglect and mange that had left her skinny and spotted with bald patches. Maybe I wasn’t yet ready to commit to another dog just a couple months after Abby died. Whatever it was, I figured the hour or so we spent with Zoe would be the last time I saw her.
We met several other adoptable boxers over the next few weeks. One needed way too much attention than we could give. Another had separation anxiety. And another was likely to pee in the house. None of them seemed quite right. Around the time we were becoming impatient, Zoe’s mange had subsided and was nearly ready to find a home. Michele convinced me to have another look. I’m so glad she did.
Zoe had put on weight—no longer scrawny. Her patchy coat had filled in and was shiny. And, most importantly, time had begun to heal my wounded heart.
A few days later, Zoe moved in. It turns out she’s the perfect dog for us. Every time she nudges my arm to request ear scratches or puts her head in my lap and sighs, I’m so glad my first impression was wrong.
I’m a Mess
The only time I ever visit the bank is when I’m taking out a large sum of money before a vacation. Today was such a day. I don’t like the bank. Whenever I’m standing in line or waiting at the counter while the cashier helps me, I’m convinced security is watching me, thinking I’m about to rob the place. What the hell is that about?